


Can we be Soulmates?

by NanamiChiLovesYou



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Past Abuse, Pining, Platonic Soulmates, Soulmates, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 10:56:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20741078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanamiChiLovesYou/pseuds/NanamiChiLovesYou
Summary: soul mate/ˈsōl ˌmāt/nounnoun: soulmatea person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.Your soulmate is someone you're destined to fall in love with. To live a life together and have a happily ever after with.Declan calls bullshit on that.





	1. Repression

Soulmates were things you'd hear every day. It was like some love story in real life, but it was growing old quickly. True love this, eternal happiness that. It was tiring. He hated hearing the same question of, "Oh, have you found your soulmate yet?". It made him want to groan every time he heard it.

Everyone had tattoos on their skin that represented their soulmate. The tattoos would grow and change over time depending on their soulmate's life. He would've felt sorry for his soulmate if they weren't a huge piece of human garbage. Still, having seen the tattoo that represents him, it was painful how accurate it was. Meanwhile, his brought him pain, but in a different way.

His tattoo was… pretty. At least others said it was before he started hiding it. With intricate details and designs. His so called 'life partner' was a hunter. The ink in his skin had an arrow, with roses around it. His partner loves roses. There were many other things. Cigarettes that you wouldn't notice until you inspected the tattoo closer, ashes, a broken bottle, and of course, the cut ribbon, signifying that their apparent 'eternal bond' had been broken.

He wished it could fade away, but he guesses it can't be that simple. At least it's all on his back.

  
He's seen his 'soulmates' tattoo, too. The details were blurry, but he does remember the most… prominent feature. The long snake, fire burning at it's scales. If that wasn't a direct jab at his horrid scars, he didn't know what was.

That was maybe 4 years ago. Since then he's given up on love, claiming to not have a soulmate. He didn't think he'd fall in love again.

God, what a nightmare it is to fall in love with your best friend. A friend who is obsessed with soulmates. He was practically destined for heartache, huh?

* * *

  
Declan hums to himself, getting out of his car and leaning against the door, twirling his keys and waiting for Roman. He needed a ride home after auditions, and Declan happily offered. Any chance to spend time with him. He wishes he could watch the auditions, Roman's a gorgeous actor, but it's not allowed which is frankly very homophobic of them.

He huffs, his eye catching on someone leaving the building. He smiles, seeing the bright smile on his friend's face.

  
"Dee!" He cheers, running over. He was dressed nicely for the role. A nice suit with a rosey pattern, and shimmery makeup. Declan averts his gaze.

"Hey. How'd it go?" He asks, checking his nails, pretending not to care. Roman beams, grabbing his friend's hands and jumping up and down. Declan flinches from the sudden gesture, but he quickly decides he doesn't really mind it.

"I suppose this means it went well?" He chuckles, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes! I'll tell you on the ride back!" Saying this, he opens the door and hops in. Dee smiles, getting into the driver's side.

"How about we go eat somewhere? My treat." He suggests, and Roman enthusiastically agrees.

  
They went to the diner often. It wasn't that popular, on the smaller side of town. It was old, having a vintage aesthetic to it that made it incredibly charming. It's almost never changed, and Declan finds comfort in the diner for it. He didn't take well to change.

The pair gets out and walks in. Most places would raise an eyebrow at the two, Roman for his extravagant attire, and him for looking like some sort of thug. But it wasn't the case here. The bell rings as they enter, and the lady at the counter is already waving with a big grin and bringing them to the booth they always sit at. The atmosphere is cozy, and Declan loosens up, relaxing in his seat.

He hums, and the two order their meals, sitting in silence. The silence was comfortable, though. Declan could fall asleep to the warm atmosphere, the smell of food, and the sounds of the jukebox and the distant rustling in the kitchen area. 

Food is placed in front of him before he can sleep, though. He doesn't really mind, thanking the waitress and holding his mug of coffee, taking in the soothing smell. Roman chuckles at him. 

  
"It's the middle of the day, why drink coffee?" Roman raises an eyebrow.

"Oh, yeah, I barely got any sleep." He chuckles, taking a sip. Roman flicks a fry at him, hitting him right in the forehead. He bats at the air and the other laughs.

"Oh, you're gonna get it now!"

Declan valued these moments. Where they can goof off and have fun like children. Get in trouble and laugh about it. They ended up having to clean their mess, of course. They sit on the floor, wiping up the remains of their squabble. But, it doesn't take away from the good mood, a glint in Roman's brown eyes and a small smile on Declan's lips.

He turns to look at his creative friend, his heart pounding. He didn't know why his heart was beating so fast. He catches Roman's eyes, and he feels his own widen. He looked like an angel, the amber glow from the sun shining through his hair and lighting up his eyes. He shakes his head slightly, tearing his gaze away, instead looking to the window. 

"It's getting a bit late, should I drive you home?" He asks, pretending as if that moment didn't happen.

"Oh, shoot, I didn't even realize!" He jumps up to his feet, Declan standing shortly after and going to his car.

  
The drive to Roman's place wasn't exciting. Declan focused on driving and Roman gazing out the window as music fills the silence between them. But it was nice. He shifts uncomfortably. He shouldn't be uncomfortable. He's with his friend. He should relax. He clears his throat as he turns into the driveway to Roman's house.

"Your place is a bit farther from mine. Do you wanna stay for tonight so you don't have to drive in the dark?" Roman asks, gathering his things. Declan pauses.

He doesn't know why he's hesitating. He's stayed with Roman many times. He doesn't have anything he needs to do, so he should agree. But he doesn't. He doesn't know why, either.

"I gotta catch up on some work, sorry. Maybe next time, though?"

"Yeah, of course! See you, Dee!"

Declan sat in silence in the car, hearing the door shut. He feels his heart beating. He does know why he's not agreeing. He's just choosing to ignore it. He's been trying to ignore these feelings for awhile. He decides to not think about it so he doesn't have to face his emotions.

He pulls out of the driveway, glancing at the house once before driving away. He turns his headlights on and takes a deep breath, his body going on autopilot for him as he drives down the mostly empty road. 

  
His apartment feels sullen and grey. There's colors, yes, but everything feels dull. He walks in, locking the door and dropping his things on the floor. His apartment wasn't anything special. The yellow paint he'd done to liven up the place was chipping in some areas. His old bookcase was collecting dust and his flowers are beginning to die, even though he tried keeping them alive.

A sigh escapes him as he shrugs off his coat and kicks his boots off, plopping down onto his couch. He lays there, staring up at the ceiling, looking at the bumpy texture of the paint.

  
He isn't sure how long he sat there. He feels as if he fell asleep, but he knows he hasn't. Just a certain numbness washing over his brain. Curling up on his side, his eyes catch on the picture on his side table. Him and Roman. Really, Roman was the only person he even cared about anymore. He feels his heart pound. He knows what he's feeling, he's known for a while. He's tried and tried pushing it down. But now his thoughts are festering and building up. He can only deny something for so long.

"I love Roman."

The words come out as a whisper. He finally acknowledged these beaten down emotions, and his heart feels like it might just explode. One would think he'd be happy to be in love, but instead, he feels the exact opposite.

He doesn't want to be in love. He never wanted to fall for his best friend.

  
He buries his head in his arms and muffles a scream.


	2. Tender Moments

Roman hums, making coffee for the two of them. He noticed how tired Declan's been, lately. So, he hopes this will help. He tries his best to make his friend happy! He loves seeing the other smile. 

He hums, stretching out and popping his neck. He pauses before tracing the ink on his forearm. He still hasn't found his soulmate. They like books, he thinks. They seem really smart, the ink in his skin having stuff he doesn't even understand. He feels like whenever he meets them, he'll end up getting a headache, but they're destined to be together, right?

He gives a wistful sigh, holding his arms to his chest and closing his eyes. Oh, how he'd love to meet them. He wonders if they know how to dance. His imagination lets him wander through a moonlit ballroom, only the silver glowing moon and the soft amber candles giving them light. He imagines the slow movements and the tender touches.

Needless to say, he's a hopeless romantic. With all of the stories he's read and the plays he's been in, he longs for a perfect relationship. 

He stops his dazed dancing when he hears his coffee maker ding. He walks over, stirring the dark liquid and preparing it the way they both like it. He's memorized alot of things that Declan likes. He knows Declan doesn't like showing emotions, but he picks up on little things. He likes doing things to make him feel better! He thinks he probably picked that up from Patton. He chuckles to himself, shaking his head and going to the living room where his friend sat on the couch, writing on some papers.

Roman wouldn't lie, his friend was rather attractive. Even when he didn't try hard, he really pulled anything off. He was just wearing a yellow sweater and black jeans, but somehow he made it look stunning. Roman also quite liked his curly hair, and his different eyes. He used to be put off by the scar on his friend's face, but he's grown used to it. It doesn't make him more or less attractive. He's not sure why people get so caught up on it. His features were sharp, but also delicate. He was a tad smaller than Roman, and even though they were both 'oversized jerks' as Virgil liked to call them, he found it entertaining to call the other short. It was another perk, though! He didn't have to bend awkwardly to hug him, and he rather liked Declan's soft hair on his cheek. 

He wonders what his soulmate looks like. He wonders if they're tall too, or if they're short.

He breaks himself out of his thoughts, setting the mug down in front of his friend and sitting next to him. Declan gives a smile and a small thanks. He takes a sip, not minding the hot liquid, and focuses back on his work.

Roman couldn't help but feel bad for Declan sometimes. Not because of his scar or his past, but for the fact he said he doesn't have a soulmate. He's heard of cases where people don't get their soul tattoos. He always thought it was sad that those people wouldn't find their true love. He tried not to talk about soulmates in front of Declan, as he noticed it makes him visibly uncomfortable. He shakes his head, looking at his friend.

Declan was no longer looking at his work, but rather at the window. He looks over, noticing the small drops of rain. It's probably gonna storm soon. He opens his mouth to say something about that, but pauses, staring at his friend. 

His gaze was distant, his chest rising and falling. The rain starts coming in, tapping on the windows and roof. It was relaxing. He closes his eyes, letting himself relax for a moment as well. A part of him wanted to go out and play in the rain, but he stayed put, looking over at his friend, and bumping his shoulder into his. 

"Hey, how about you take a break and we watch some movies?" He asks, already smiling at the idea. Declan blinks a few times, snapping out of his trance. 

"Oh, sure. What do you have for us today?" He asks, setting his work aside and hugging his legs to his chest. 

"Glad you asked, my slithery pal!" He jumps up to his feet and rushes to pick out a movie.

  
  


During the movie, he found himself glancing at the other. He was worried he'd be bothered by the romance, but he seems fine. He relaxes into his cozy blanket some more.

It was still raining outside. And the movie started to feel more like background noise. He stares at his friend, who didn't seem to notice, much to his relief. 

He wondered what it was like for his friend- not having a soulmate. A person you can love and hold. A person who'll always be with you. Someone you can laugh with and admire. Someone you can memorize actions for. Someone who can always be there for you. 

Roman blinks rapidly, looking back to the screen. No, no. He's in love with his soulmate! And one day, Declan will find someone who doesn't have a tattoo either, and they'll have their happily ever after too! He smiles at the thought, cheeks warm. 

It's normal to think about your friend like this, right? People usually get curious and indulge those sorts of thoughts. It's nothing. 

He pushes it down and instead thinks back to that moonlit ballroom, dancing the night away with the love of his life. 

* * *

  
  


When the movie finishes, Declan is tired. It isn't even that late, he's just… inexplicably tired. He sighs, stretching his arms out and over his head. He glances over to Roman, who also looked tired. He stands up, stretching his legs out. He looks at the clock.

"I should probably get g-" Before he can finish, he's cut off by a boom of thunder. They're both silent for a moment as Declan quickly sits back down. Roman bites back a laugh.

"Hey! Stop it- no stop!" Declan throws a couch pillow at him. "It's perfectly reasonable I don't wanna drive in that rain!"

Roman laughs, rolling on his side. 

"Aww, don't be like that, Dee! Admit it, you just wanna spend more time with me!" He sits up, a big smile on his face. Declan tries to ignore the pounding in his chest. 

"You're insufferable." He says instead, crossing his arms and looking away. 

"Liar! You loooooove meeeee~!" He teases, poking at him. Declan swears his heart stops for a moment, before he curses under his breath and swats Roman's hand away. He tries to focus on his friend's laughter to ignore the aching in his chest. 

"Shut up, or I'll throw your Disney movies into the rain."

"You wouldn't!"

"Try me!"

And, like it always goes, they end up wrestling on the floor like kids. It was the same, but Declan never grew tired of it. It got his mind off of the pressing issue, too. 

"Ow, ow, you win Princey!" He taps the floor and the other releases him, giving triumphant laughter. 

"I'm never defeated!" He cheers. Declan rolls his eyes, fixing his hair back into place. 

"Yeah, yeah." He waves his hand dismissively. "You're such a kid."

They both laugh, calming down from their short high. They slump against the couch, once again tired. 

He can already feel his heart pounding. He knows what usually happens next. It almost always happens whenever Declan decides to stay a night. 

"Ring ring! Guess what time it is?" Roman perks up, and without giving any time for a response, he practically tackles Declan. "Cuddle time!"

His chest hurts. Before he accepted his feelings, it was better. It wasn't anything more than friends sleeping together. Lots of friends do it. 

But it's been a while since he stayed over and he's not sure if his heart can take it. He should be happy about this. But he knows that Roman will only ever love his soulmate. 

He bites his cheek and hides his heartache by curling up into a ball next to the other. He can feel the reverberation of Roman's heart and his steady breathing, and the soft humming. He tried his best to relax, and just not think about it. 

"I can't wait to meet my soulmate.." Roman whispers, mostly to himself. 

He feels his heart drop in his chest. He can't help but wonder if he'll be replaced whenever Roman meets his soulmate. These sweet intimate moments wouldn't be shared between them anymore. He'd be with another person. Baking, playing, snuggling. 

He's not sure what he'd do.

I mean, of course he isn't with Roman every second of the day, but he's become such a big part of his life. And change terrifies him. 

He huddled closer and Roman chuckles, probably thinking he's already asleep. He's always been good at faking those sorts of things. 

Still, the warmth makes him smile ever so slightly, despite the turmoil happening inside of him. 

He likes holding Roman. He likes being held. He likes how comforting and inviting Roman is. The warm atmosphere around him. His fiery passion and his dedication to his art. He likes his more serious side, too. He likes how smart Roman can be. He likes when Roman talks about the things he enjoys. He likes when Roman smiles.

Again, he realizes that he loves him. He's known for a while. He's already tried coming to terms with it. But he keeps trying to push it down, trying to push away the inevitable heartbreak he'd receive. 

Maybe if he distances himself he'll forget why he even loved Roman and move on. But he can't bring himself to do that. The thought of suddenly abandoning Roman made him feel sick. 

He doesn't know how long he's been stuck in his thoughts. He notices that Roman's fallen asleep. He sighs to himself, rubbing his eyes and burying himself further into his friend's side. He just needs to sleep it off. He's being illogical. 

He tries to ignore the aching in his chest and the thoughts swarming in his head. 

He doesn't remember when he fell asleep. He just remembers waking up and looking at the gorgeous man he was with, the morning sun replacing the rain from last night and bathing the two in it's amber glow. 

He lets himself go back to sleep before his mind can pester him. For now, at least, he'll enjoy this while it lasts. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! I dont know how many people are actually reading this story, but sorry for the short chapters. I kinda wanted to just slowly get into it and explain their relationship before getting into the main conflict and story!   
I dont know how many chapters this will have, but i hope you enjoy nonetheless!


	3. Thinking of the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SERIOUS TW!!  
\- Abusive Relationships  
\- Noncon kissing  
\- Arguing  
\- Suicide baiting  
\- Guilt tripping  
\- Manipulation  
\- Descriptions of drowning  
If i missed something please do tell me!

The diner was warm this time of day. The two friends sit at their usual booth, and the smell of food wafts through the air. Roman orders what they usually get, and Declan pays, much to Roman's disappointment. 

As they wait for their food to come, Declan notices the other staring at him. He noticed that Roman would do this often, usually when he was lost in thought or wanted to ask something. Still, it never failed to make his heart leap. He waits a few more seconds before speaking up.

"Is something wrong?" He asks, and Roman snaps out of his thoughts, contemplating on something.

"Well... I was just wondering why you don't like soulmates? I-I mean! I know you don't have a soul tattoo or anything, but is there anything deeper to it?" He asks. 

Declan looks away.

* * *

_ Declan didn't have a great experience when it came to his soulmate. 4 years ago he had cut ties with the so called 'love of his life'. _

_ 7 years ago, he met him. _

  


Declan sighs, fussing with his bag and papers. School was always hard for him, and even harder when it came to his hideous scars. It's not like he asked to be in that fire. So, he pushed people away. Why should he be nice to the people who aren't nice to him?

Gym class was next, one he absolutely dreaded. He wasn't the best at sports, and he loathed changing in front of others. Even worse, there's supposedly a new student who will inevitably make fun of him as well. The bell rings, and he sighs, taking his time getting there. He knows the way people stare at him. The way they whisper. In his opinion, his scar has been getting better. It's not as bad as it was, at least. Plus, people avoided him. That was just a bonus, in his opinion.

The gym was full of the sounds of basketballs hitting the floor and the squeaking of shoes and yelling. He takes a moment to get used to it before going into the changing room, where he sees a few others who hadn't gotten changed yet, and a new face as well, having trouble with his locker. He goes to his own, grabbing his clothes and taking his shirt off. He feels eyes on him. He gets dressed quicker, but before he can walk away the new student calls out to him. He looks over at the new student, a bored expression on his face.

"Can I help you?" He asks, a layer of sass in his words. The other completely ignores that, though, a look of wonder in his eyes.

"Are… Are you my soulmate?" He asks, raising his hand to grab Declan's arm. He flinches, a strange shock going through him once they touch. The other must have felt it too.

"I knew it! You've gotta be!" He laughs, pulling him in for a sudden hug.

This was going way too fast for him. He didn't even know the other's name. He was uncomfortable with the hug, and the sudden touches he wasn't even used to. He should feel happy, but instead he just feels dizzy, trying to process all of this.

It's too much.

Having a soulmate wasn't as heartpounding and exciting as he was led to believe. Sure it was nice, but something about the entire concept felt… unhealthy to him. But he can't fight nature. He's stuck with this person he just met forever now? He isn't sure he can handle that. He's not sure if he's ready to even be in a relationship.

"I'm so happy to finally meet you! What's your name? Oh, oh, we should exchange numbers, too!" He laughs.

"Declan… Uh, maybe after class. We'll be late."

"Declan! I'm Jax!"

  


And that's how it all began. The beginning of a disaster.

  


The two were in Jax's room, just finishing up their home work. They'd been together for a few weeks now, and Declan thought it was actually going a lot nicer than he thought it'd go. Jax was touchy, but didn't force him into anything. The only problem he has is that Jax doesn't ask before kissing. It always catches him off guard.

"Thank god we're finished… I could have died from boredom." Declan states overdramatically, checking his nails. Jax hums in agreement, but doesn't say anything, staring at his soulmate. Declan still felt uncomfortable under other people's gazes. He shifts, but tries to hide his discomfort.

"What's up?" He asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Well… I'm just wondering when you'll tell me about your scar…." He hums, staring.

"... I'm not ready to talk about it."

At that, he receives a sigh and a frown from his soulmate.

"You can't say that every time. We're soulmates! You've gotta tell me eventually!" He complains, throwing his arms up in the air. "C'mon, babe!"

Declan flinches at the sudden change, opting to stay quiet instead. Jax sighs, getting off of his bed and sitting next to him on the floor.

"I'd tell you all my secrets, it's only fair you share yours." He pouts.

"I got scarred in a fire."

"I know that part already, though! It literally shows it on my tattoo!"

"... Sorry."

He's sure Jax is just having a bad week. Plus, he hasn't even done anything too bad. Just made him a little uncomfortable. They're soulmates, surely it'll work out for the both of them, right?

* * *

  


"Why do you have those?" Declan asks one night, looking at the bottles of alcohol his soulmate had brought him. They weren't old enough to be drinking.

"To drink, duh!"

"If someone finds out we'll get in so much trouble, Jax!"

"Relax, babe! See, this is exactly why you need a drink. Loosen up, take some risks!"

"You can drink it, but I won't take part in this."

He cringes as the bottle is open, getting downed by his soulmate. He didn't care for alcohol. He watches Jax dig around, taking out a cigarette. He felt extremely uncomfortable being here. He didn't know about this. He didn't know his soulmate did these things. He wasn't sure how to take it.

He breathes in the secondhand smoke, coughing and covering his mouth. But his soulmate comes up to him, straddling his hips. He takes the cigarette from his lips and puts it up to Declan's.

"Just take a hit, babe."

He does as told, coughing.

"Hey, hey. You're doing fine. Breathe out." He breathes out, the smoke filling the space between their faces. He still feels like coughing, but lips are on his before he can.

Jax tastes like cheap alcohol and ash. It made him feel sick, but he'd have to deal with it.

He pulls away, hands on his cheeks.

"Look at you…" He whispers. "You're so vulnerable… I could eat you up- but I wouldn't do anything like that without your permission babe."

Declan coughs some more, shaking his head.

"Some day, then."

* * *

  


It's just been a hard month, he tried to convince himself. But now, he wasn't so sure. He knows this isn't normal. Soulmates don't do this to each other.

Jax had been getting more aggressive as of late. Usually it's yelling, guilt tripping, but sometimes it gets more… physical. If he had to choose though, he'd rather be beaten and bruised. It hurts, but at least it goes away after a while. The words twist up his brain and distort his mind. He finds himself wondering what he did wrong. What did he do wrong? Why is Jax so angry? How can he fix it? Things like that. Well, not just that. That's barely scratching the surface.

"Jax…" He whispers, holding onto the man crying in his arms. Just a moment ago he had been shouting and screaming about how he wanted to die. His limbs shake, trying to keep his own composure. He's never had to deal with this before. He had to choose his next words carefully.

"Maybe you should see a therapist?" He suggests quietly. "It worked for me."

Apparently, that was the wrong choice of words.

"Yeah, it worked for you." He rolls his eyes. His grip gets a little tighter. Declan tenses up slightly.

"Maybe you just need to find the right one?" He combs his hand through Jax's hair, trying to calm him down.

"Listen. I don't need fucking help."

Declan flinches slightly, but holds his ground.

"Yes, you do. Look at yourself."

"It doesn't even work!" He yells, pushing his soulmate away.

"Yes it does! You just don't want to get better!" He can't help but shout back, he has too much pride to cower. "You need help, and threatening to kill yourself isn't gonna make you any better!"

"Shut the fuck up! I'm done! Stop worrying about me!"

"It's hard not to."

In a flash, his face starts to sting. His hand raises slowly to his cheek. He stares at his soulmate, hurt clear in his features and his heart sinking in his chest.

"Just fucking leave me alone. _ You're the reason why I'm like this. _" He spits the words out like it's poison on his tongue, the words wriggling into Declan's brain and implanting themselves there.

"If that's really what you want." He says, surprised and thankful that he was able to keep his voice steady.

Jax says nothing as Declan grabs his things and leaves the house.

The door shuts behind him, and he pauses, the entire conversation echoing back in his head.

_ You're the reason why I'm like this. _

He wants to scream and tear something apart at those words. He knows it's not true. It isn't true, is it? He just wanted to help Jax! Maybe he'd been forceful but he just wants him to be happy.

God, it's his fault isn't it? He's a horrible soulmate. He doesn't deserve to be loved by such a nice person like Jax. He'd been nothing but good to him before this, right?

Declan tries to stomp down everything. His legs move on his own and he's running, his legs feeling like lead on the concrete and numbness through his body.

He's home before he knows it, throwing his things down and collapsing on the floor, grabbing at his hair and desperately trying to keep himself from screaming and sobbing.

He's a horrible soulmate.

* * *

  


There's been nonstop fights for months. Jax smelled of ash and beer. Declan's skin has been blooming in colors of purples and blacks.

This is their third year together. He's not sure how he's lasted this long. He wraps up his wrists, stretching out his fingers and sighing in relief that they weren't broken. Last night was the last straw for him.

Jax nearly killed him.

A part of his brain told him he was exaggerating, but he knows it was the case.

Bastard shoved him under the water.

He never thought that drowning would be so painful. If he'd been under there any longer, he would have died. He didn't go without a fight, of course. It was the first time he'd attacked his partner. God, it felt good, but he wouldn't let himself stoop that low.

He tightens his bandages.

The next hour after that consisted of him punching his own abdomen to try and get the water out of him. It was painful. His lungs and throat burned. He felt weak. The black spots dancing in his vision wouldn't leave. He couldn't stand for thirty minutes from how disorientating it all was. He got bruised from hitting the bathtub and Jax hitting him. But he came to a conclusion.

He hates his soulmate.

Fuck soulmates. Fuck the romance 'happily ever after' bullshit. He hates this man that he's been cursed with.

After he finishes his bandages, he stands up, walking into the living room where his soulmate sat, watching the TV.

"Hey babe, good morning." He says casually. As if he hadn't tried to murder Declan last night.

"Jax. We need to talk." He says firmly. It surprises himself a bit. Jax stares, before pausing the TV.

"What is it babe? Are you still mad about last night?" He asks, laughing a little. Declan sucks air in, trying to control his anger.

"I don't want to be with you anymore." He states, firm, and with a boldness he doesn't usually hear from himself.

"Huh? But we're soulmates! You gotta be joking, right?"

Silence. Declan simply stands and stares at him.

"What the fuck, babe?! Why would you want to leave? If it's about last night, I'm sorry!" He stands up to meet Declan's height, reaching to grab his hand. He quickly jerks it away.

"Don't." He narrows his eyes. "Don't even try it. I'm done putting up with you."

"I-If you leave I'll fucking kill myself!" He screams. Declan stares. A part of him wants to apologize and stay. He wants to hug him and go back to the tender moments they used to share. But he knows he won't actually do that. He just wants Declan to stay in his clutches. To be an obedient doll.

He sighs, inspecting his nails.

"If you're done acting like a baby, I'll be leaving now." He turns to leave.

"But we're soulmates!" He sobs.

Soulmates. The word struck a nerve in him he turns back, grabbing Jax by the collar.

"I never asked to be your soulmate. This tattoo I got connecting me to you was a curse more than anything. If I could have it my way, I wish I never fucking met you. If there's a happily ever after, I will not spend it with you. Find another person to torment." He spits out, his anger firing up, pushing Jax away from him and going to the door.

"By the way… If it wasn't obvious by now, I hate you. Don't bother trying to make it up to me. You've already destroyed everything."

As he leaves the house he can hear Jax shouting. How he'll kill him. How he'll kill his family. The sound of breaking and shattering.

Was he too harsh? Maybe. Did it feel good? Yes. He thinks he's allowed to be rude to the person who tried to drown him.

  


His cool, bold composure only lasted until he got home. He closes the door and crumples down to the floor, a scream ripping out of his throat and tears going down his face. He could feel the tattoo on his back changing. He didn't want to look at it though. He didn't want to be reminded so quickly after what happened.

His emotions have been heating up for so long, and they've finally boiled over. Boiling and burning and scalding his brain.

Of course he meant everything he said but a part of him feels horrible. He feels scared.

Once he finally calms down, he noticed that it's only been an hour. It felt longer than that. He needs something. He needs someone. His arms shake and he fumbles for his phone. He dials a number he hasn't called in months.

"Hello?"

"Virgil," his voice is barely above a whisper. He clears his throat and continues, "Can I come over?"

There's a pause, and Declan holds his breath.

"Y-Yeah. I'll set things up."

He lets out a sigh of relief, and he hangs up.

Declan hates change. He's glad that Virgil's the one constant in his life to keep him grounded.

He thinks he's given up on love for now.

* * *

So much for giving up on love, huh?

"... I'll tell you some day, Roman. I promise. Just... not right now." He hesitates. But he knows Roman won't be upset about it.

"Of course! You can tell me about it whenever you're ready! I'm actually quite the patient person!" He beams, puffing out his chest and holding his head high. Declan laughs.

"That's a lie. You? Patient? I don't believe it." 

"I am _incredibly _patient, thank you very much!"

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Romeo, our food's here."

"Food!" He cheers, thanking the waitress. "And yes, thank you for agreeing. I am the most patient person ever. I have never once ever in my life have ever been impatient."

Declan throws a fry at him.

They both laugh, and Declan feels himself lightening up. Even if they can't ever be together, he feels so much better with Roman by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHEW what a fucking chapter. I wanted to go into Declan's backstory a bit more, and this was the result. It's alot longer than I thought it would be. Originally I was gonna do both his and Roman's but that'd be really long and it'd be neater if they were seperate chapters. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this far! I know its a bit out of place but like I said in the last chapter I wanna set down the stepping stones before getting into the main conflict! I hope that isnt too annoying or boring!


	4. State of Dreaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter!  
Implied homophobia  
Remus is here so.  
Minor talk of infant death
> 
> That should be it, but lemme know if I missed anything!

Roman always dreamed of finding his true love, ever since he was young. 

Him and his brother were adopted after their parents had abandoned them. They were both young, but he couldn't help but wonder what made them give the two brothers away. 

Both of them were slower than the other children. Slower at learning, at least. His brother, Remus, always had a hard time. They both had ADHD, but Remus always had it worse. No one wanted Remus. Only Roman. 

He proclaimed that he'd never leave his brother behind, even when he could be overwhelming. What prince would he be to leave his only family? 

They were adopted, eventually, but still he had to deal with arguing many times. His new parents weren't bad, or at least he tried to believe that. They were good to him, at least. Remus always got in trouble. Roman wasn't sure how to help.

He usually distracted himself with fantasies. Movies, books, fairytales of all kinds. Some day, his love will come! He dreamed for that true love he saw in movies. The first thing he learned about his soulmate was that they read books. He wondered if they read fairytales too. 

Remus claimed to hate the idea of soulmates. He didn't want to fall in love, even though his tattoo told him they were probably a good person. Remus tried to cover the tattoo on his neck as much as he could. 

He couldn't fathom why Remus wouldn't want to meet his soulmate, though! He was such a troubled person, maybe having a soulmate would help him! He never voiced these opinions though. As much as he cares for his brother, he knows Remus can snap at the little things. 

But they inevitably had a falling out at their teen years. It wasn't anything dramatic, they just simply stopped talking. 

Roman didn't let this hold him back. Acting and writing became a passion of his after a while. It wasn't surprising for anyone. But he enjoyed being on stage, singing and dancing around in the stage lights. 

Though, he still had many fantasies, often about his soulmate. Dancing in a ballroom, walking through a beautiful garden, having a grand and gorgeous wedding! 

All he wants is to be with his soulmate. But he has yet to find them! When he was younger, he had wondered if his partner was stuck in a tall tower somewhere. Maybe he needed to be a strong prince and save them! 

Though, even though he spent most of his time in a make believe land, he didn't ignore the real world. Sometimes he would get lost in his head, but he realized how cruel the world can be. 

Even when soulmates existed, he often noticed how people cared a bit too much. His friend Patton had to hide that his soulmate is a man. Roman found it strange why it'd be a big deal to people. People can't choose their soulmates, after all! He thought it was stupid. There was a lot wrong with society. Escaping to his fantasies helped him for the most part. 

But, he never thought he'd have such intimate moments with someone who isn't even his soulmate.

When they met, it had been a little rough. Declan didn't like letting people into his life. Roman tended to invite himself into other's lives. They didn't get along too well at first, having barely tolerated each other. 

They argued about small things. They didn't see each other often at first, so they had a pretty negative view on eachother. But, they started talking more after they had helped Virgil move in with Patton. Of course, there was bickering but...

He never hated Declan, though. He was off putting at first, but they had a lot more in common than he had thought. They actually held pleasant conversations! He was able to learn more about Declan, and Roman told him about his dreams of being an actor. In fact, he even practiced theatre with Declan.

He was a good actor, truly. He slipped into rolls very well, and was easy to practice with. 

The theatre echoed with their voices, sitting on the hard wooden floors, looking over the scripts for the Bonnie and Clyde musical Roman plans to get a part in. Hopefully as Clyde! And for right now, Declan's acting as his Bonnie. 

They flip through the pages, Roman muttering some lines under his breath, and Declan tapping his pen against the paper.

Their shoes made a clicking sound as they walked around on the empty stage, speaking their lines and trying to get into a routine of movements. Slipping into character and giving some life to the stage. 

Though, Roman stumbles a bit when he hears the other laugh. It wasn't in character either. A genuine laugh that made him pause and question what's happening. He hasn't spent much time with Declan, but he already prefers this genuine laughter to the false ones he's heard before. He wonders if those fake ones are for his evil persona he's got going on. He shakes his head, and instead speaks up, shoving those thoughts away for the time being.

"Huh? Why are you laughing? Did I do something wrong?" He questions, hands on his hips.

"Oh, no you were doing perfect. I was just thinking, even though you're trying for the role of Clyde, Bonnie fits you a bit better." Declan laughs, raising his free hand up to cover his crooked smile.

"What! How so?"

"This line in particular," he clears his throat, slipping into an impression of Roman," _ Don’t you ever laugh at me! I’m gonna be famous. I’m gonna be a poet and an actress and a singer _ ."

Declan laughed again, and Roman scoffs at the impression.

"Rude! I do not sound like that. But I do see where you're coming from." Roman smirks, raising a hand to his chest. "Bonnie and I think alike! I will be the most famous person on broadway." He raises his chin with a grin. Declan snorts. 

"What? Don't laugh at my dreams!" He stomps his foot and Declan lets out a laugh. 

"No, I just… think it's nice." He smiles, looking away. "Anyway, enough with this mushy shit. Let's get you this role."

Things changed from there. At least, that's when Roman thinks it started. The memory leaves a fuzzy, warm feeling in his chest and makes him smile. 

Declan is a very special person to him. Even though they didn't get along well at first, he feels like even when he knew Patton for longer… Declan just gets him. Like he's known him his entire life! Connected by some strange bond… He's not sure why he feels like this. 

"Did'ya find your soulmate or somethin'?" Remus ends up asking him one day. It was the first time they've talked in months. Even though they had a falling out, Roman didn't think they were on bad terms with each other. 

"Huh? What makes you think that?" He asks, and Remus waves his hand dismissively. 

"You jus' seem more uh...." He gestures at Roman. "... flow-y 'n stuff I guess."

"Well, I haven't!" He huffs. "Don't have to remind me."

Remus laughs, and examines his chipped nails.

"Nah, I ain't tryin' ta make you upset. Jus' thought that pretty boy you've been hangin' out with was your soulmate or somethin'."

"Declan? No way! We're just friends." He scoffs, turning up his nose and crossing his arms.

His brother rolls his eyes, biting off a hangnail and spitting it onto the sidewalk.

"Jus' sayin'.... you two are awfully close for 'friends'." He laughs, nudging his brother with his elbow. "He doesn't have a tattoo, right? Maybe he was just made wrong n' he didn't get yer soul tattoo! Could'a been soulmates all along or some shit." He laughs.

Before Roman can think about anything Remus says, he ends up speaking more. "Hey, do ya ever think about… how some babies get strangled on their umbilical cords? It's, uh, kinda fucked up. And like… twins and one absorbs the other in the womb. Bro, what if I absorbed you? That'd be fucking wack-"

Roman decides to just forget the conversation ever happened.

* * *

Him and Declan sit in his home, like they do most days. He works on his newest painting and Declan does his work. They sit in a comfortable silence, letting the calming buzz of Declan's laptop fill the air. 

The brush glides across the canvas, the paint spreading against the textured surface, letting the yellow color blend into the others. A burst of warm colors. Like a field of dandelions on a summer's day, or the amber light of the sun when you wake up. 

But the painting was a familiar scene. A cozy looking diner, the only light being the sun's rays and two obscured figures in the midground. He wondered briefly if this sort of gift would be too intimate for someone who isn't your soulmate. He finds that, at the moment he doesn't care. When he meets his soulmate, he'll make them something just as nice! If not better! He smiles, glancing over to his friend on the couch, who has set his laptop and papers away in favor of lying down, relaxing in the cozy atmosphere. 

He stands up, stretching from sitting for so long and cleans up his art supplies. 

"You taking a break?" Declan asks, sitting up slightly to look at him. 

"Yeah. I guess you are too. Want me to leave you alone or can I join you?"

"Feel free to join. I'm gonna take a nap."

Roman huffs out a laugh and walks over, Declan moving his feet so that the other can sit. 

"Thanks."

Roman treasures Declan, and he's not quite sure why. But for now, he closes his eyes and listens as his friend's breath evens out. When he's sure that he's asleep, he slowly stands up and grabs a light blanket, laying it over him.

He looked so calm. Relaxed. Any stress from before seemed to have slipped away, leaving Declan at his most vulnerable. Without thinking, he pushes some hair out of the other's face and sits in front of the couch, turning on the TV but lowering the volume so that it wont wake his friend up.

He didn't pay much attention to the TV anyway. 

Maybe he ended up drawing Declan in his sketchbook. If he did, no one needs to know. Just a private moment for him to treasure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whooo sorry this one took a while to get out!! I'm thinking next chapter we start moving things along, hopefully I'll get it out quicker this time!


	5. It Could've Been Great

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions of drowning and implied dissociation!

The air's been getting more chilly, the leaves turning orange and gold, scattering the ground, a satisfying crunch under your feet. The days are getting shorter and the nights are getting colder. 

While it was all charming, Declan suffered from the cold chilling his bones. He's already a cold person, having poor circulation and all. He despises the cold, and when winter comes around, he wants to curl into a ball under a hundred blankets and hibernate like a bear. 

Well, he  _ could  _ do that, but Roman would drag him out and make him freeze to death. Oh well, his company's nice. And warm. 

It was early morning, an uncommon time for him to wake up, but Roman had insisted on spending a day out together. It was nice how he'd try to get Declan out more often, but he still doesn't think about how much he hates the cold. Just a fate he'll have to accept.

He would be lying if he said he didn't contemplate leaving his jacket, just so he'd have an excuse to go inside somewhere and just hug the other. He didn't remember being so clingy, but he shoves that thought down.

Instead, he puts on a heavy jacket and some gloves. His legs are still cold, but he doesn't exactly have anything warmer than his worn out jeans. He'd be mostly warm, at least. But, he's still bitter over the cold weather. Still, he decides to not let this bug him. Easier said than done, but when Roman gets here he'll focus on him instead of the cold. 

As if on cue, there's a knock on the door. Quickly, he combs his hair with his fingers and opens the door to a smiling Roman. 

He looks nice, as he always does. He's more red from the chilliness, and his freckles are slowly fading from the changing seasons. But he still has such a warm energy to him, drawing Declan in. 

"I have no idea how you can stand this horrible temperature." Declan drones, putting his hand on Roman's arm and walking out the door, locking it up behind him. Roman laughs.

"It's nice! You're just a reptile." He sticks his tongue out, laughing. "A snake fits you pretty well."

"I know, you tell me every time it gets cold." He rolls his eyes.

"Then you're a snake! It's official. Anyway, let's get going!" And with that, he pulls Declan along with him. He didn't mention that the snake thing has been official ever since he saw his soulmate's tattoo. Not like he can mention it anyway- not after he's lied for years. 

Declan shoves that thought down. 

He doesn't go out into town very often. He doesn't  _ walk  _ through town very often, at least. Even though he's lived here for a few years now, he's just now noticing small things he hadn't caught before. Still, he thinks it'd be nicer to walk when it's warm. Despite his best efforts, he's still shivering like he'd never been out in the cold before. Curse his body.

However, he was aware of how close he was to his friend. He told himself it was just because he was cold- it's a natural reaction, and body heat would be the easiest source of warmth. That's it.

God, he can't keep denying his feelings. Fuck it, even if it is for warmth, he's still using that excuse to be near his friend. Sue him. 

Roman glances over, before taking Declan's hand in his, swinging their arms. His heart soars, and he gives a smile to his friend. This day was going to be good. He could tell. Before he knows it, he's getting pulled along down the street, laughter escaping both of them as they go nowhere in particular. 

"So where are we going? The diner's closed today, and it's pretty far away anyways…" Declan looks around. 

"Dunno! Thought we'd do whatever looks fun!" Roman laughs, slowing down so he can walk next to the other. 

"So no plan? Excellent. I'm thrilled to be stuck walking in this cold for who knows how long." 

"C'mon! Stop being a debbie downer, Jack the Fibber!" He laughs, poking the other in the side. He jolts back, only making Roman laugh more. 

"If we weren't in public, I'd maim you for attacking me." 

"And I thought I was the dramatic one." 

Declan rolls his eyes, a soft smirk on his face. The two walk in comfortable silence after that, the autumn wind blowing past orange and yellow leaves. There's a distant chattering of people, the passing of cars, and some dogs barking. It was peaceful, and despite the chill, Declan felt warmth from being with his friend. He lets out a content sigh, Roman throwing a glance at him. 

"We can stop and grab some coffee if you're still tired. There's a cafe nearby. Kinda small, but it's cute." 

"Oh, sure." He hums, and stumbles when he's suddenly dragged off. 

The door rings as the two of them enter the cozy little cafe. It was like Roman described. It seemed more like a family cafe, very homey and nice. He looks around at the stringed up fairy lights and the indoor plants strewn about. The place had a delicious scent. He takes in a deep breath, closing his eyes, taking a moment to relax. 

"Oh, hello boys! Can I get you anything?" A nice lady, probably the owner, appears behind the counter. 

"Yes, thank you!" Roman hums, walking up and making the orders. They sit at a small, but cozy booth. Declan looks around. 

"This place is nice. Doesn't beat the diner… but I wouldn't mind coming back." He hums, tapping the table. 

"Yeah, I come here from time to time… Hey, what do you wanna do after this?" Roman smiles, excited for their day. 

"I don't know, I was just going to follow you. Do you really have nothing planned?" He raises an eyebrow. 

"Nope! We'll just… have fun! Do stuff as we go! And when we get tired, we can walk back or call an uber! Sound like a plan?"

"It is a plan." 

"Good!"

Two coffees are placed in front of them, momentarily interrupting their conversation. It has a nice, homemade charm to it, and it's better than what Declan was expecting. And as cheesy as it is, being with Roman made it better. 

Wow that was almost disgustingly cheesy. Curse him and his brain. 

Their conversation continues. 

"You know, it's only the start of the day and I'm already having a good time. If I didn't know any better, I would think you're trying to woo me, Roman." The words slip out without thinking, and he has a moment of internal panic before he hears Roman laughing. That's somewhat of a relief but also a bit of a stab to the chest. 

"Are my amazing skills working? Do you think I could do the same for my soulmate once they come about?" He asks with a flourish. Declan laughs, albeit a little forced, but Roman doesn't seem to notice.

"Definitely. If you don't fall on your face first trying to talk to them." He smirks, and the other gasps, shoving him lightly before the two laugh. 

"My brother still hides his tattoo. I think that black paint has stained his skin by now. Not that he cares." Roman rolls his eyes. "But hey, maybe I could set you two up!" 

Roman winks and nudges Declan. He only feels uncomfortable at the suggestion. 

"... Remus? Oh, no. He's not my type in the slightest. Plus, I don't like smokers." He shrugs, looking away. 

"Well not that that's a surprise. He's not the most, uh,  _ charming  _ individual. Though I thought you'd be more of the 'bad boy smoking' type." 

At that, he grimaces, and Roman quickly changes the subject. 

They finish their coffees and leave, going back into the chill. There's more people out now that the day is starting. Roman smiles, taking Declan's hand and dragging him along to the park. 

"The park?" He questions, raising an eyebrow. 

"Yeah! I thought it'd be nice to walk for a bit. We can look for flowers or cool leaves too!"

"Don't think we'll find many flowers."

"Then we'll get some leaves and make a leaf crown!" He hums, plopping himself down under a tree and looking at the leaves. Declan takes a seat next to him. It's not the most comfortable thing, but it's nice. Roman holds up two leaves in front of Declan, humming in thought. 

"Yellow suits you better." He mutters, gathering yellow leaves and gently putting them into Declan's hair.

He could feel his face heating up. If anyone asks, he'll say it's from the cold. Really, he should be used to the things Roman does, but something about this just makes his heart beat a little faster. But, he stays still, playing with the grass and letting Roman do his thing, giving him a leaf crown of sorts while he hums a disney song. It was nice, really. He was pretty fixated on his work, ending up behind Declan to do the rest of it. It felt a little childish, but he didn't care. He liked how it felt. 

"Aaaand we're done!" He smiles, pulling away and sitting next to Declan. He pulls out his phone to show him. 

He was a little surprised. He didn't think it'd look this nice, but Roman always seems to surprise him. He had yellows and light oranges carefully weaved together to form a wreath on top of his head. He smiles, looking away. 

"You did really good. You always manage to surprise me." At that, his face brightens up before moving to make his own crown. 

"I can help if you need. Though, I doubt it'd be as good as yours." He laughs, scooting over to help out Roman. He's not as careful, and a few of the leaves he grabs end up crumbling. He has no clue how the other was able to do this. In the end it just looks like someone dumped a bunch of leaves on his head, but Roman seems happy with it anyway. 

They stay there, sitting under the tree in a peaceful silence. Roman stands up after a while, brushing himself off and helping up his friend. 

They walk for a bit, going to the more quiet part of town. Declan personally hasn't been here himself, so it's all unfamiliar to him. They talk amongst themselves, not noticing how the sky darkens until they feel some wet droplets coming from the sky. 

"Did you not check the forecast before taking us out?" Declan asks, looking up at the rain. Feeling water on his face makes him a bit uncomfortable, but he doesn't mention it. 

"Nope! C'mon, let's get some shelter." He grabs Declan's hand, covering his head with his free arm and running to the closest building, an old looking church. There were no cars parked here, yet the doors were open. 

Thunder rumbles in the distance as they push themselves through the door, stumbling a little. They sit in the dark building in silence for a few moments, before Roman starts laughing. And then they're both laughing on the floor of this old church, their leaf crowns falling apart but they don't care. 

"Cmon, we might as well explore if we're gonna wait here for a bit."

"If you say so."

Taking his hand, they navigate through the dark hallways. It was a little creepy, being in a dark old church. It was still a little cold and the sound of the rain made it all the more haunting. Did the rain get heavier? It sounds a lot heavier. He steps a bit closer to Roman, who doesn't seem to mind. 

They eventually end up in the nave, rows of seats leading up to the stage, which was currently empty. There were stained glass windows lining the tall walls. Roman giggles, pulling him along until they reach the top of the stage. 

The sound of rain surrounds them, pouring against the walls and tapping on the windows as if asking to come in. It was mesmerizing. 

"We really shouldn't be here." He hums, looking over at Roman. 

"Aw come on. Let's have fun with our little B and E!" He nudges Declan, before looking around for a lightswitch. He finds the lights for the stage, illuminating them in a warm glow. He looks around, before his eyes land on Roman, who's hand is stretched out towards him. Confused, he takes it. He yelps in surprise when he's suddenly dragged in.

"Come on snake, let's rattle!" He laughs. Declan rolls his eyes, but can't help laughing along. They fall into a rhythm, Declan looking down at his feet from time to time. Roman laughs, spinning them, and his eyes widen a bit at the sudden change. But, he laughs, shaking his head and going with it. The rain is background noise at this point as they dance around the small stage. Their bodies so close, the dance being so warm and welcoming. 

Their laughter fills up the area, and Declan ends up tripping. They tumble to the ground, still laughing. His heart is pounding and his cheeks are warm, hurting from smiling so much. He's so happy right now.

"God, Roman, I love you." 

…

Silence.

The words slip out without him even thinking, and suddenly the rain is louder than ever. His eyes widen, the warmth flooding out of him and his heart dropping to his stomach. There's a rumble of thunder as Roman stares at him, eyes wide. 

"... What?" 

Declan panics, scooting back and looking anywhere but him. He wets his lips, trying to desperately come up with an excuse. 

"I… I- uh. I-Its…" He can barely form his words, fear taking up what used to be a warm moment, leaving him with an icy chill. 

"Declan, look… I'm flattered, really, but… I haven't even met my soulmate yet." 

Soulmates. Of fucking course. His hands shake. 

"Why do you care about soulmates so much?" He asks, turning his head away. "It's not a big deal."

"Wh- It  _ is  _ a big deal, Declan!" He raises his voice slightly, clenching his fists. "I've been waiting for my soulmate my whole life!" 

"Why do you care so much about someone you don't even know? Why put all of your emotions in the hands of a stranger?!" 

"Declan.."

"It's so fucking  _ stupid _ ! How do you know your soulmate isn't a horrible person? How do you know they even want to be with you?!"

"Declan!"

" _ No!  _ You're putting so much trust and love into a person you haven't even  _ met  _ yet! How do you know they won't hurt you? How do you know if they'll even  _ love  _ you?! Love isn't a linear fucking thing!"

" _ What the hell would  _ ** _you _ ** _ know about love?! You don't even have a soulmate! _ " A yell tears out of his throat, and thunder booms all around them. He stands to his feet, looking down at Declan. 

Both of them have too much pride to apologize right now. 

"Apparently more than you." He mutters, looking down at the ground. Roman clenches his fists. 

"Get out."

"Huh?"

"Get _out! _Leave me alone, you _lying_ _snake._" 

Both of their eyes widen at that. But before anyone can say anything else, Declan stands up and runs out of the room, leaving him alone like he wanted. It was hard to navigate the dark hallways, and his heart pounded violently in his chest as he pushed the door open and ran out into the heavy rain. 

The rain poured down on him, and his eyes felt sore from the tears he was trying to desperately hold in. The rain pounded down on him, soaking his clothes in a way that was too familiar for him. He runs, not really knowing where he's going. He just needs to get away. 

His legs feel like lead pounding against the concrete. Thunder was booming and he felt dizzy from the heavy air and rain. He keeps forgetting to breathe. He's not underwater. He's not being held down. He's fine. He's fine. 

He slips on a puddle, skidding to the ground and scraping his hands and knees. The pain grounds him slightly, but it just makes him spiral deeper. He curls up on the sidewalk. The rain soaks him down to his bones, and it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

_ He's underwater, being held down forcefully. His arms are bruised and he can't breathe. He can't breathe. There's water in his lungs. He's trying so hard to fit back but he feels his consciousness slip for a moment. No, no he can't do this. He's fine. He's safe. He's not being held down. _

Slowly, he gets up, even though he feels incredibly heavy and he keeps running. He's starting to hurt. Hurt so much. His legs were sore and his lungs burned from trying to keep up with him. 

Lightning cracks in the distance and he stumbles, looking wide eyed. Thunder was rumbling the ground, shaking him to his core. His heart was pounding fast. It felt like it might just explode at any second. He's panting. When did he start panting? He doesn't know. 

He finds a dry spot under a tree. He's cold. He's so cold. He wipes his eyes, which feel incredibly strained. His entire body is shaking violently. He needs help. He needs someone. 

Virgil. 

Quickly, he pulls out his phone, trying to use it with wet gloves was tricky but he eventually dialed the number. 

"Hello?"

"Virgil I need your help." He says, almost desperately and out of breath. 

"Woah woah. Okay, are you at your place?"

"No."

"Where are you?"

"I-I don't know. Uh…" He looks around, before getting a street name and telling Virgil. 

"Wh- how did you get all the way out there?! Nevermind, hold on- where are my keys? Uh, shit- just stay still, I'll be there soon. I promise."

Declan croaks out a thank you as the call ends, and he crumbles to the wet ground underneath the tree. 

He doesn't know how long it takes for Virgil to come. He wasn't paying attention. But the second he feels warm arms wrap around him, he feels choked sobs escaping from his throat. He only hugs the smaller one tighter, muttering nonsense and apologies. 

"Shh… It's okay, Dee… You're soaking wet. Come on, I'll bring you to my place." He whispers, and Declan nods, slowly following to Virgil's car.

It was warmer in the car. He was still very cold. He knows he'll need a bath but he tries not to think about that. He's had enough water for today, but he doesn't want to get sick or dirty up Virgil's place. He sighs, hugging himself and staring out the window. 

The rain taps against the glass, streaking down as the car moves. He doesn't know what time it is, but the skies are dark. He doesn't care to check the car's clock, instead spacing out and staring at the dark streets, so little people around compared to earlier.

* * *

Virgil's house has always been warm. Patton and Virgil's presence made him feel a bit better. Though it felt like a blur when the leaves were picked from his hair and his head was ruffled with a towel. It felt like a blur when he was given warm clothes to change into. It felt like a blur when his hands and knees were cleaned of mud and dirt and his scrapes were bandaged up. 

He couldn't focus on anything. 

Now he was on the couch. He doesn't remember when he sat down. He's leaned up against someone. Virgil, he thinks. There's a smell of baked goods. Patton probably cooking something. The TV's on, but it feels like white noise to him. 

Virgil's staring at him. Why is he staring at him like that? Oh, yeah. He sighs, sinking down further into the couch. He's offered to stay the night. He says yes. 

He's escorted to the guest bedroom. The bed was cozy. He watches as Virgil turns the lights out. Before Virgil can leave, he says something without even thinking. 

"If I knew he would hate me, I wouldn't have said it."

Virgil turns to face him, concern on his face.

"Say what?"

"... That I love him." He says, barely a whisper as his emotions come back to him. 

"Oh, Dee…" He walks back over, hugging his friend as the waterworks begins again. He curls up against his friend, hugging him tightly. Virgil always gave good hugs. He always felt protected when he was hugged by Virgil. He doesn't remember when they cuddled together. He doesn't remember when Patton joined. He doesn't remember when he fell asleep. 

He wishes he could take his words back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOO sorry this took so long to get out! I was in a bit of a slump trying to figure this chapter out. But we're finally to the main plot!   
To be honest, i'm not completely happy with this chapter? It feels a little rushed but I didn't know how to drag it out a little longer, so sorry for that!   
But I hope you enjoyed! The next chapter will be Roman centric


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